Wednesday, May 8th, 2019

An NBA-obsessed newsletter for the info-craved basketball mind. Did a friend forward you this newsletter? Sign yourself up here.

  The opening tip

• Our season preview, The defeatist's guide to the NBA season, begins today, with a look at the Raptors, the 76ers, and the Celtics. 

• James Harden has a new move. 

• Boban Marjanovic dressed up like Lil Nas X, and we really do advise you stick around for it 

The Raptors had their fun 

What’s good: The Toronto Raptors are the NBA’s defending champions, which means a new benchmark for Canadian basketball prosperity, which means America’s Hat no longer has to pretend Vince Carter didn’t whine his way out of Toronto after seven years and two playoff appearances.What’s, frankly, remarkable: The Toronto Raptors are the NBA’s defending champions.What still doesn’t seem real: The Toronto Raptors are the NBA’s defending champions.What’s inevitable: A rapid, ugly decline. We hope you Canadians had a nice summer celebrating your first NBA championship, because it’s going to be a hogged stone (that’s a curling term) from here. First off, your president isn’t squeaky clean, either, so don’t go all righteous on us, even if your 26-year-old unemployed population doesn’t live in constant fear of contracting the common cold. The heaviness is on its way. Kawhi Leonard achieved sublime beatitudo and still left. Marc Gasol is drunk off his many successes. Kyle Lowry is a losing streak away from being traded. Pascal Siakam is either going to play himself into being overpaid elsewhere, or play himself into being overpaid by you. Your coach is from Iowa, which means an impending natural regression to being average. A title has only validated Drake’s … Drakeness. Your basketball future was mortgaged on Kawhi. It was worth it. But now it’s over. So kindly begin your descent into the darkness.A prediction: Masai Ujiri trades nostalgia for a rebuild halfway through the season. 

The 76ers are capped to hell

What's maybe good, but definitely a little bit concerning:

Folks, Ben Simmons no longer hates basketball.

Here's what he told the Associated Press last week

: 

“I feel like this summer I fell in love with the game again. I kind of got back to who I was and having fun with the game. I felt like the past season I lost that enjoyment side of it but I feel like this summer has been huge for me.”

A positive spin would be that

, in which he took and made a couple of 3s, the former of which he does rarely in NBA games and the latter of which he does never in NBA games. The negative spin would be that, yes, we now have confirmation that Simmons was a miserable human during last year's playoffs, in which he was more screen setter than transcendent triple-double machine. 

What's funny:

Weight-loss companies must hate him. Joel Embiid said on Media Day that he used one simple trick to lose 20 pounds this summer. His secret? Nothing! 

“I haven’t done anything differently,” he told reporters at Media Day.

What's different:

 Jimmy Butler is gone and in Miami, because, you know, he just wants to win. 

What seems unsustainable:

Here are the top-four salaries the 76ers will be paying out next season:

1. Tobias Harris, $33 million

2. Joel Embiid, $29 million

3. Ben Simmons, $29 million

4. Al Horford, $27 million

Those four contracts alone put the 76ers in the luxury tax based on

the projected salary cap of $116 million for 2020-21

. A Simmons trade is more likely than you might think. 

What's scary:

A defensive lineup in the playoffs that includes Horford, Simmons, Embiid and Josh Richardson, who the 76ers got in the Jimmy Butler sign-and-trade, has the ability to rip through the Eastern Conference. This team's lifespan may be short, but its ceiling this season is high. 

The Celtics are our failed Team USA

What’s good: Last year, the Celtics were demolished by the Milwaukee Bucks in the second round of the playoffs, finishing in the league’s top-eight. This summer, the de facto Celtics, or Team USA, with Marcus Smart, Jayson Tatum, Jaylen Brown and Kemba Walker, finished seventh in the world. They’re moving up!What’s fleeting: The big ol’ love fest this team experienced before last season. Here’s what Ben Golliver, then of Sports Illustrated, wrote about Jayton Tatum before the season, during the pub’s annual top-100 ranking: 

“Tatum is too skilled to be buried, even on a budding superteam.”

Those were the days.

A prediction:

The Celtics aren't going to extend Jaylen Brown before this season starts, which means he'll be a restricted free agent going into next season, which means some sad team like Atlanta might throw a max-contract offer at him, which means the Celtics will likely let him walk, which means the third overall pick of the 2016 season will be gone for nothing. 

What’s depressing:

 The answer to this is always Gordon Hayward. Always. But what’s also depressing is what we wrote in last year’s ‘What’s depressing’ section:

There was some very minor buzz from the outskirts of NBA reporting that the New York Knicks were front runners for Kyrie Irving when he becomes a free agent next summer. That gained some momentary validity when Jimmy Butler listed the Knicks as a trade destination. Then Irving spoke candidly of his desire to stay in Boston. It turns out this is not depressing for the Celtics, but is depressing for the Knicks.

What’s fortunate:

At least the Celtics’ best player over the last three years, who consistently went up a level in the playoffs and played the role of consummate pro even when a moody Flat Earther planted landmines all over the locker room, is still on the team, and didn’t ditch Boston for an Eastern Conference rival, therein making that rival a budding superteam.

What’s horrible:

That actually happened, and worse, he dropped the most uninspiring goodbye post on Twitter.

“We fell short of that goal.” You’re damn right we did. #ThanksKyrieUp next: The Nets, Knicks and Bucks

James Harden has a new move

He tried out his left-footed running fadeaway out on the Shanghai Sharks in an exhibition on Monday, much to the joy of old friend Russell Westbrook.

Boban imitates art 

He posted this to his Twitter over the weekend, with the caption: "I got my horses in the back....." Go off king. 

  Quick Hits 

• Shaq and Damian Lillard are rap beefing, because, of course. Here's Shaq's diss. Here's Lillard's response.

• Here's a funny line from Shaq: "What's in your wallet? American Express or Visa? Talking like you're Bron. You ain't even Trevor Ariza." Poor Trevor Ariza. 

• Here's a funny line from Lillard: "All the money in the world, but they traded you for Penny." 

• Boban also recently went to the Texas state fair, which was predictably wholesome. 

• Watch Ja Morant and Jaren Jackson Jr. analyze a bag of ketchup chips. 

• Watch NBA2K DeAndre Jordan punch NBA 2K Trae Young in the face. 

• Someone took the time to make a team exclusively of Alex Carusos on NBA2K, so, thanks to that person, you can watch a bunch of Alex Carusos celebrating the NBA title. 

 Concrete Reads 

• The broken dreams and promises of LaVar Ball’s failed basketball league [The New York Post]

• 50 years ago, the NBA was a whole different ballgame [The Boston Globe]

• Zach Lowe's six most intriguing players this season [ESPN]

  Podcast Pick

Meeting the new Lakers and the new 76ers [Sports Illustrated]