Wednesday, Feb 27th, 2019

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Written while listening to Cru & Slick Rick's Just Another Case

 The Celtics, as explained by George Carlin  

The Boston Celtics got blown out by the Raptors last night, 118-95, and look less like a real threat to make the NBA Finals by the day.And, boy is it panic time in and around Boston. Bill Simmons is having a Kyrie-induced aneurysm on Twitter and on his podcasts. The think pieces are coming in hot. Marcus Smart thinks the team isn’t playing together. Irving gets more detached from reality by each tell-all interview. Last night, on Twitter, he got Curb Your Enthusiasm’d.The short term for the Celtics regarding their relationship with Irving doesn’t look good. He might walk in free agency. Danny Ainge might let him. But the Celtics, with a great coach, a great general manager, 17 NBA titles, Bill Russell, Larry Bird, Kevin Garnett, young talent, and many future draft picks, will live on without Irving, like all great longstanding entities which endure rough patches.For analogical proof, here’s George Carlin, talking about how one bad egg cannot destroy something greater than itself: “The planet has been here for 4.5 billion years, all right? We’ve been here, what, 100,000? Maybe 200,000? Maybe. And we’ve only been engaged in industry for 200 years. 200 years versus 4.5 billion, and we have the conceit to think, somehow, we’re a threat? We’re going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little green ball that’s just floating around the sun? The planet has been through a lot worse than us.”Carlin is talking about humankind’s selfish worry that we’re going to destroy the world. He makes the point that the planet will destroy us. It’s funny and is so Carlin, but it also works if you change the words around to make it fit this season for the Celtics.Observe: “The Celtics have been here for 73 years, all right? Kyrie’s been here, what, 18 months? Maybe 19? Maybe. And he’s only been engaged in weird interviews and questionable behavior for four months. Four months versus 73 years, and we have the conceit to think, somehow, Kyrie’s a threat? He’s going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little green NBA franchise that’s just floating around the NBA? The Celtics have been through a lot worse than Kyrie.”Thank you, George Carlin.The Celtics, like the planet, will be fine.[READ: Is Kyrie Irving a fraud? An investigation]

Those damn P-Row elevators

[Note: We both went to Emerson College, which lends its gym for morning shootarounds to NBA teams visiting the Celtics.]Anyone who's ever been in the elevator in Emerson College’s Piano Row knows it’s a death trap. It’s water-powered, for some stupid reason, and makes a drastic few-foot drop every time it starts up.The Portland Trail Blazers found that out the hard way on Tuesday. After practicing in the gym, 10 of them were stuck in that metallic disaster for 30 minutes.The whole video, posted to Enes Kanter’s Twitter account, is pretty amazing, but two things stick out above the rest.

1. Someone is playing Coldplay’s Viva La Vida while singing along to it.

2. Rodney Hood is not pumped.

Piano Row: The sophomore year go-to. The second-best dining option on campus. The origin of the move where you order chicken fingers and french fries, then bury the chicken fingers under the french fries and hope the cashier only sees and charges you for the french fries. And now, the place that held the Trail Blazers hostage.

1990s point guards from New York City, ranked

6. Kenny Smith5. Kenny Anderson4. Anthony Mason3. Mark Jackson2. Rod Strickland, immortalized in Wu Tang’s Triumph1. God Shammgod 

 Paul George from reallllly deep 

Paul George’s buzzer-beater to end the third quarter in the Thunder’s 121-112 loss to the Denver Nuggets last night.

  Quick Hits

• Brad Stevens briefly lost his mind last night.

• The Knicks’ Mitchell Robinson blocked four shots in 42 seconds after humbly estimating he can average six blocks a game.

• Evan Turner, on the elevator incident, said he had two granola bars: one for him, one for the nine others.

• Doc Rivers called a timeout in the last few seconds of Monday night’s Clippers-Mavericks game to give Dirk Nowitzki a standing ovation.

• A young fan grabbed Westbrook after a play last night. Westbrook wasn’t happy.

• The Denver Nuggets won that game against the Thunder, and Nikola Jokic had 39-9-10, plus this lumbering fastbreak.

• If you’re looking for a sliver of hope for the Knicks: Allonzo Trier has some handles.

• Kenny Anderson had a stroke on Saturday, but has since been released from the hospital.

 Concrete Reads 

• Sealed court documents show Clippers plans for Inglewood arena had discreet beginning [Los Angeles Times]

• The Lakers and Celtics can look for inspiration in the Indiana Pacers [ESPN]

• Meet Joe Hammond, the greatest street baller that ever lived [New York Daily News]

  Podcast Pick

LeBron’s depressing Lakers future [Bill Simmons Podcast]

Best upcoming games

Tonight, 2/27

Thursday, 2/28