Mon, August 26th, 2019

An NBA-obsessed newsletter for the info-craved basketball mind. Did a friend forward you this newsletter? Sign yourself up here.

Written while listening to Jackson 5's I Want You Back

 The toxic ex gets one more chance   

Dwight Howard is future Hall of Famer, which is both indisputable and funny to think about.It’s indisputable because he made five All-NBA first-teams in a row and won three Defensive Player of the Year awards, and funny because everyone seems to really, genuinely dislike this guy.Howard signed a one-year, non-guaranteed deal with the Lakers on Friday after being bought out by Memphis, (technically his seventh team in four years), and the way the deal was reported was as if L.A. had just secured a deal with Ted Bundy.The Lakers, through high-profile scoopsters, went into damage control right away: “With caution.” “Cut him without cost.” “Keeps leverage.”You know it’s bad when NFL verbiage is being used for an NBA player.Translation: This guy’s a fucking drag, but we realllllllly don’t want Anthony Davis playing big minutes at center.FYI: This tweet doubles as a note for a toxic ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Let’s get back together for the ninth time, but if you don’t change, you’ll be waived.[READ: Dwight Howard finally speaks]And, hey, even if the ex still snaps wet towels in the locker room and says things like this, at least they shed some weight:Do you think they sat with him in silence until he said the words “rock bottom,” like when Pam made Michael admit he wasn’t the Godfather?Rob Pelinka: “Dwight, we need you to say it. Say you’ve hit rock bottom.”Dwight: “I put up a double-double two sea…”Pelinka: “Dwight, I’m so sorry….”[READ: ‘I don’t have an ego -- it’s dead.’ A conversation with Dwight Howard]

Team USA got its ass kicked, indeed

(Do you care about this team, or this tournament, yet? Because we’re really trying here!)Team USA beat Canada this morning, 84-68, in its final exhibition before the 2019 FIBA World Cup starts on Aug. 31. (The US’s first game is on Sept. 1, against Czech Republic at 8:30 a.m.)But, on Saturday, in an exhibition in Melbourne against Australia, Team USA made us look prophetic, by getting its ass kicked against a team whose best player is either Patty Mills or Joe Ingles.The game, a 98-94 loss that definitely didn’t feel like a scrimmage for Australia, snapped a 78-game win streak for the US that spanned 13 years.You can watch the highlights here.And you can see what beating the US and his beloved coach meant to Patty Mills here:[READ: Embrace the unknown with Team USA] 

Andrea Bargnani’s professions, ranked 

The most vanilla No. 1 overall pick of this century has apparently spent his second career by birthing a dozen other careers, all of which, evidently, carry enough zest to warner the caps-lock treatment.You know we like ranking things, so:12. INFLUENCER11. BLOGGER10. STAY-AT-HOME DAD9. PR GURU8. LIFESTYLE ADVISOR7. DJ6. TREND-SETTER5. MENTAL COACH4. MODEL3. FILM PRODUCER 2. HELICOPTER PILOT1. ASTRONAUT TRAINEE Please send all disagreements to [email protected]. 

 Quick Hits 

• The NBA news-dumped on Friday afternoon that its investigation into Luke Walton’s sexual assault allegations brought on by journalist Kelli Tennant found “there was not a sufficient basis to support the allegations made against Coach Walton.” The lawsuit is ongoing.

• Enjoy this video of Enes Kanter signing his name over No. 11 Kyrie Irving jerseys. 

• TNT is axing Kevin Garnett’s Area 21. It was generally good TV, but KG used ‘nomsayin’ as a verbal crutch a lot. It did bring us this 2008 Celtics reunion, though. Some other outlet should buy it as a Podcast.   

• Caris LaVert got a nice little extension for his 25th birthday.

• This picture of a poor Popeyes worker that Internet people are comparing to LeBron after the 2016 NBA Finals is really funny. 

• Here are Team USA’s uniform numbers. 

• Patty Mills and Gregg Popovich have had some great back-and-forths over the last few days.

 Concrete Reads 

• Gilbert Arenas has no chill [Bleacher Report]

• The NBA tries to make its Luke Walton problem go away [Deadspin]

• Are we sure the Hawks won’t make the playoffs? [The Ringer]

• Bob Cousy chose his words very carefully at the White House [The Boston Globe]

 Podcast Pick

Examining ESPN's NBA coverage and the future of women's sports coverage [Sports Media with Richard Deitsch]